The "Divorce" is finally final

Ah, my friends, my heart and my tummy hurt today. As I have discussed before, a long-term relationship (4 years) of mine ended in December, 2006. There was a lot that was broken about the relationship, and though it totally demolished me at the time, it was a wise split. I had been living with him, and had to move out quickly. That was what brought me to Jersey City, where I lived for 18 months.

My ex and I gave it another try about 9 months ago - we both felt there was unfinished business, and wondered if we truly were "besheret" - Yiddish for "meant to be." Immediately, the attempt started crushing me again - I started feeling bad about myself, and feeling guilty about my job, my talents, and my personal space. No one has ever made me feel as bad as he does. It was a toxic mix, and I was able to call it quits after a few more months. It provided a great sense of closure for me, and I am grateful that I really got him out of my system.

There was one little hold-over - I still had a few things left at his house. He lives a good 45 minutes away, and I really didn't want to have to take all of that time to go up there and pick up my stuff. Plus, I really didn't want to have to see him again. But, it was time. I had to cut the last cord connecting us.

Lindsay and I drove up to his house today, and I picked up the last remaining items that were the final remains of our life together. I had asked him to put the things on the porch, so that I wouldn't have to see him. Wouldn't you know that he found some reason to come out to "pick up something from his car."

I am furious that he couldn't just let it be, and let me leave. This was the pattern - he never really heard me, or cared about my needs. His needs always trumped mine, which is part of what made me feel so small. Thank goodness Lindsay was with me - she said, sternly, "Okay," which was the signal that everything was in the car and it was time to go.

So, my heart hurts, knowing that it is really final. 99% of me knows that this is such a victory, but 1% is still sad that it didn't work out. At least I am REALLY done with him. There is no reason to have to deal with him again.

Thank goodness.

Stream of Consciousness Poetry Moment

iwishyoucouldhavelookedmeintheeye
onmymosthonoredandspecialnight
iwishyoucouldhavebeenproudofME
insteadoffocusedonyourownanxieties

iwishyoucouldhaveworkedhardertogetwell
andmycheerleadingwouldhaveinspiredyou
iwishyoucouldhavemetmehalfway
insteadofexpectingmetofalltoyourlevel

iwishicouldhaveheldmyownmore
couldhavemaintainedmyintegrity
iwishicouldhavedemandedmoreofyou
insteadofgivingonlyofme

nowisthetimeforthedreamstocometrue
nowisthetimefornewchaptersandhopes
nowisthetimethatigettotellmyownstory
nowisthetimethatispreadmywingsandfly...

A ReAwakening?

Some of you know that I went through a pretty difficult breakup back in December 2006. We had been together for 4 years, and I really thought that "this was it." Turns out - he wasn't really able to handle my rabbi-ness, and I was continually apologizing for keeping him waiting all the time that I was at my job (how cruel of me to have my own life....).... So, the past few months have allowed me to heal, to rebuild my self-image, and to feel more and more proud of who I am. In this process, I have had no interest in dating anyone new.

Anywho, all the sudden, I have felt a change.

Suddenly, I feel ready to embark on the dating road. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but it is exciting to be entertaining the idea of meeting someone new. Yeah, it's quite a scary proposition (oy, the perils of dating), but I am ready to go back out there. I think that I am THAT MUCH more sure of who I am (though self-awareness is always a work-in-progress), and thus, that much more ready to be myself WITH someone else.

Kinda cool, eh?

Any words of wisdom from all of my blog-friends?

(PS - the art above is by Jan Rae)

Revenge?

I hope that your house loses power
that your computer catches a virus
that you get an itch on your back
on that one spot you can't reach.

I wish that a tree would fall on your parked car
that you would get a bad haircut
that a zit would grow on your nose
and get infected and last for weeks

I pray that your exciting plans get cancelled
that you catch a case of pink eye
that a beautiful framed print
falls on the tile floor and shatters.

Alas, I can barely wish you harm
Even in spite of myself.
The most I can wish for you, however:
I hope you one day feel what I feel.

Top Five Break-Up Songs

As you know, I am a bit of a pop culture fiend (haha - I just accidentally typed poop culture - that is HILARIOUS!!). Anyway, I've been pondering the way in which we rely on music to convey our moods in ways that we often cannot. So, this is, perhaps, the first in a series of lists of themed countdowns. Totally my humble opinion, and you can, of course, feel free to disagree.

1. I Never Really Loved You Anyway..... The Corrs
2. All You Want...... Dido
3. Stronger...... Britney Spears
4. Fighter....... Christina Aguilera
5. Every Rose Has its Thorn...... Poison


There are probably songs I am totally forgetting, so I am counting on all y'all to help me out here. Let the lists begin!