Ah, my friends, my heart and my tummy hurt today. As I have discussed before, a long-term relationship (4 years) of mine ended in December, 2006. There was a lot that was broken about the relationship, and though it totally demolished me at the time, it was a wise split. I had been living with him, and had to move out quickly. That was what brought me to Jersey City, where I lived for 18 months.
My ex and I gave it another try about 9 months ago - we both felt there was unfinished business, and wondered if we truly were "besheret" - Yiddish for "meant to be." Immediately, the attempt started crushing me again - I started feeling bad about myself, and feeling guilty about my job, my talents, and my personal space. No one has ever made me feel as bad as he does. It was a toxic mix, and I was able to call it quits after a few more months. It provided a great sense of closure for me, and I am grateful that I really got him out of my system.
There was one little hold-over - I still had a few things left at his house. He lives a good 45 minutes away, and I really didn't want to have to take all of that time to go up there and pick up my stuff. Plus, I really didn't want to have to see him again. But, it was time. I had to cut the last cord connecting us.
Lindsay and I drove up to his house today, and I picked up the last remaining items that were the final remains of our life together. I had asked him to put the things on the porch, so that I wouldn't have to see him. Wouldn't you know that he found some reason to come out to "pick up something from his car."
I am furious that he couldn't just let it be, and let me leave. This was the pattern - he never really heard me, or cared about my needs. His needs always trumped mine, which is part of what made me feel so small. Thank goodness Lindsay was with me - she said, sternly, "Okay," which was the signal that everything was in the car and it was time to go.
So, my heart hurts, knowing that it is really final. 99% of me knows that this is such a victory, but 1% is still sad that it didn't work out. At least I am REALLY done with him. There is no reason to have to deal with him again.